Tamed

In the city of sin and angels
where the devil always walks next to you
and the pearls ain't free
I fell for your tropical eyes
smile joy crazyness pure heart and goodness

Now I cannot get rid of this feeling
having lost a piece of my heart
craving to be complete
day and night

Vinylshakerz: One night in Bangkok / Iio: Is It Love

Restless heart

I've been a bit down as in addition to last Saturday's episode I've had a very very bad infection taking me to hospital Sunday & Tuesday nights.. Things are much better now although the original reason and resulting effects remain still unknown. My advice: don't get terribly sick in Netherlands outside office hours. I have to wait until I get back to Finland to get proper examinations.

On more positive front all my things were found in the theater as I suspected. Should get my laptop tomorrow here in Amsterdam.

All this mess has resulted in some reflection and two resolutions: I stop a) drinking like an idiot and b) irresponsible (sex) life. (Well b) I did on New Year already but now it's official). There will always be more alcohol (and other substances) and sex partners than I can possible consume. Time to draw the line. Maybe it took so long getting adult but I feel my restless heart got tamed a little. And I've seen who really care for me and am grateful for that. Some big questions going around my head got answered as well and all this has helped to see what path I want to take.

I promise to be about as much fun but lot less dangerous to myself and surroundings :)

Today I'll go see the masterpieces at the Rijksmuseum and have dinner with customer instead of smoking weed and trannying around Rembrandtplein nightclubs. But I'll do that some other time ;)

Real Time

I have been lazy blogger for a month again so let's do something new: real time blogging! It's a full course tranny night in Helsinki tonight again. I'm going to theater with a dozen other trannies and some spouses, then eat in a restaurant and continue to wee hours at Mama.

13.30 Checked in to hotel. I decided to get a hotel room for convenience. I don't have permanent base downtown and the hotel's optimally located opposite the theater and just some blocks away from DTM. Even I should be able to walk back even though it's gonna be freezing tonight! Winter finally arrived to Finland looks like. It was -12oC at home this morning.

14.15 Went to grab couple big macs, I'm dying. Yeah I do eat shit sometimes. Waiting for Tita who's due to arrive in an hour or something. If she manages to pack. Nice to have free wlan in hotel. Middle European hotels suck with their 20e/day internet "facilities". I hope I packed everything. As it's a proper theater night I'm gonna have my long black evening dress. Actually very same I had last fall at DWC Hauho meeting. Funny this is the 2nd time in my life I participate with DWC and I'm having exactly the same clothes. Did I forget to mention it's a DWC theater night? Well what the heck why not..

15.20 I've finally found perfect transport solution for girl gear: Bundeswehr military bag! Big enough to fit everything, long enough to fit thigh high-boots as well. And looks cool! No more plastic bag hell.

15.30 Finally Miss Nervous Bad Packer calls she arrived at lobby.. Here we go again..

15.45 Shopping ->

16.30 Back. Mmm... Magnum sparkling and salmiakkikossu. Alcohol, my favourite drink. Now going to bath. Elina the photographer wants to join us. Mai mii panhaa.

17.15 I'm wasted like a fish in a rhum barrel.. Now hot bath and cool sparkling!

1.39
Things are going pretty bad. 100-0 wasted, passed out 2 times, loads of stuff lost... we are now at hotel and call it a day. Maybe someone will tell me the details of the night tomorrow?
(This post is made by Titania, due Valerie`s wasted condition.)


11.17 Oops, I did it again. To sum up quickly I managed to lose my handbag again last night: credit card, driving licence, phone and camera gone again. I do hope I dropped them in the theater but unfortunately it's closed on Sundays. And I'm flying to NL in 4 hours. OMG. Play started at 19 but we managed to enter only for the second half as usual. The play, Le Cage Aux Folles, was ok (although I don't remember much). Then we went to eat in a restaurant, where I realised my missing items and got my night ruined. Very intelligently I went to walk around downtown looking for it - and then forgot what was the restaurant where we were.. What an episode. I tried to convince Tita to continue in dtm anyway but she decided to call it a night. Now I really really pray my handbag is in the theater.

Some positive news: I will get my stolen laptop back next week in Amsterdam.

Scarred

Just advertising Cristal Snow's latest song. She's a Finnish drag queen turn singer/songwriter (maybe participating in the next Eurovision). I begin to like her more and more. Especially since in the miss drag queen contest afterparty she complimented my show and we were lying on top of each other kissing. I don't know but I was told so. I was slightly wasted, again.

Cristal Snow: Scarred

Supa supa.

Weather report

Weather report for today: 40 degrees C temperature drop, sleet. What went wrong when Finnish climate was created?

Marsha: รักยังไม่ต้องการ

khityn khun teerak

Sawaddee pi mai!

The year has changed and I wish a better, luckier, lovelier year for everybody, myself included ;)

I was supposed to be diving in the south already but I'm still in Bangkok ;) Who hates Bangkok hates life. Life is good.


I was in Amsterdam a few weeks ago and generated a chapter or two to my memoirs - again. Put it briefly went out partying in an outfit that got half the city whistling after me. Hooked up with a transvestite pro and her gay friend with whom we roamed the streets and clubs. Doing sex for money in Amsterdam's Red Light District - check. LOL wups now you know.. Unfortunately the long night ended with the bloody frickin idiot gay stealing my laptop. I haven't been writing about that trip as police was tracking him down and I handed my Valerie contact cards with my blog address to them. My Christmas present was news he was found and so was my laptop. Praise Amsterdam police and certain gorgeus long legged blonde Dutch in the forces whom I dutifully explained my whereabouts that night. Well not quite all LOL.. "If you want to recognize me from the surveillance cameras I'm the one with blonde hair, short leather mini (short enough to show my stayups) and high heel boots" - "The hotel security confirmed there was somebody who could have been a tranny" I take that as a compliment as they didn't clearly recognize it LOL. I was supposed to go to Clinic Fetish Party the night after but I got so freaked out by my stolen laptop that it killed all my party mood. Only parts were backed up so 5gigs of pictures, personal records, official records of some organizations I'm heading and my company bookkeeping lost! Yikes.. I'm so happy it was found, hopely I can recover most of the data as well.



Moral of the story: Don't trust Bulgarian people with questionable lifestyle, even though your best friends happen to be Bulgarian and Russian. The fact they are ph.d. might contribute more than their nationality.


The following week I was working in NL and got so frustrated with seemingly no advances in the investigation I went back to RLD try track the bitches down.. In between I decided to check the Casa Roso live sex show which is claimed to be "something you have to see once in your life" by respectable travel guides. I've never been to one so why not? Crowd mostly middle-aged Jap salarimen. The first show was just B-class striptease, next one a middle aged, overwheight "domina" show I wasn't even very interested in. Middle of the show she came down stage looking for partner from the audience. After unsuccessfully trying to have the salariman behind me she turned to me. Mistake. Now I've been on stages with thousands of people in audience and I've done striptease and unfortunately I'm a bit crazy whatever clothes, although it doesn't show until I do something ;) So there I was on Casa Rosso stage with 50 people watching.. I warned the girl I don't like hard spanking, and after a second one I slammed her back on her ass. Friendly, but firmly. I do have a hard time being a bottom you know. Mistake. The show stopped and this mountain of flesh nickname security literally threw me out of the place. Something to laugh at afterwards but I wasn't so happy at the moment. I pay to come to see bad shows, I'm asked to participate in it and when I slap a girl on her ass in a s/m show it's beyond limits? Get real..

Moral of the story: I really don't have to participate in everything I can, some things are just not worth it.


I did my pit stop record: two weeks in Belgium - Netherlands, 30 hours from touchdown to Bangkok takeoff, 12 hours at home. Oh and I was flying business Bangkok, free champagne all the way! ;) I had my TG alarm ringing loud all the way, I was 97% sure my fellow passanger on the row was a m2f TS going for SRS or FFS, but due to acute shyness and the Norwegian guy between us I held myself from the friendly line "You TS?"


There was some spice to this otherwise seemingly dull blog of my party escapades. Hope you still love me LOL.. I'll be back in couple of weeks.


Happy 2008!

I won't be crying

I haven't loved anybody like I loved you
I haven't done everything I can to anybody else but you
Nobody hurt me like you
Did you realize my love died a little with your every blow?
That's why I won't be crying anymore for you


Have a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, love you all.
I'll be soon off Europe, will be back in 2008.


Robbie Williams: Sexed Up

Emotional

Can one feel emotional about an airport? Arriving today at Schiphol I felt. The place summarizes my trans-European freelance life, flying there about every month for the last two years. I started looking at the people coming and going, and felt odd universal love towards all of them. More so because all this might be changing. I've got an job offer for a steady work which presumably means less traveling and independence, but advantages should be considerable too.

Tough day, managed to catch only couple hours sleep last night as I was packing and preparing the house and it's lesser inhabitants for my absence.

I'll be shedding tears tonight as my relationship does seem to end in ruins anyway, no matter how much I've tried... Just how many times is it reasonable to break up a relationship so you can still call it a relationship?


World Hold On


PS: if somebody is in Amsterdam this Friday-Saturday with great plans or at least knows of great fun all contacts are appreciated!!

Appetizers

I'm still very early in process of putting the shows into utube (read: haven't done anything) but here be appetizers! Somebody put online compilation vids that contains snippets of yours truly too:

Miss Drag Queen 08 contest
Part 1 : introduction @ 2.15, Madonna Fever @ 6.15
Part 2 : Gwen Stefani @ 6.20
(Part 3 : Award ceremony)

MDQ afterthoughts

I mostly practised my show on the previous day. Late night I started thinking maybe I'm totally out of scope for the whole contest. Then I started browsing youtube for drag performances, and found this gem:
Drag Idol and then I knew I was doing the right thing, even though the judges will hate me ;) Love me or hate me, indeed. Hello international. Just wish I could dance just as good as her..

And as far as I understand, some UK/US irony is in the game: Lady Sovereign - Love Me Or Hate Me

PS: I should get the MDQ tape this weekend, just as I get my hands on video editing sw I will post my performance on youtube! Promise!

PS2: I swore I won't take part again, but if I did, how about this for a song? It contains a message ;)

BlingSpace

I had a strong decision not ever make myself a MySpace profile because 1) anything that connects with Microsoft is Evil 2) MySpace is so unusable heap of bling and bad web that it's a natural wonder people are able to use it. Why it's so popular, heaven knows.

Today I've spent 2 hours aimlessly looking for people I know from real life or the net and considering adding them as friends. Why? I dunno. Maybe it's a domino effect of a friend inviting me to facebook, then creating Valerie facebook profile, then going back to old MySpace non-profile and thinking what the heck.. But it all seems a bit funny, it just seems to be a global, yet closed ego-boost sandbox where your worth is metered by how many friends you have. But for heavens sake, having Madonna as your "friend"?!? Oh yeah, so you call her for a quick chat when you're bored. It's all a bit ridiculous when it goes past real friends, or some intention of friendship.

Now everybody go and immediately add me as your friend or I will spank you! I feel so worthless with only 2 friends that I will disappear out of sheer shame.

www.myspace.com/missvaleries

By the way, all this Miss Valerie began over a year ago because all other reasonable .com domains were already taken. That I decided to do the Drag Queen contest was a later, funny coinsidence.

Mother

Today I told my mother I took part in Miss Drag Queen contest. Neither of my parents know. Of anything. She laughed from all her heart, and told she just yesterday watched my childhood picure she has in frames, thinking how beautiful I look, so delicate facial features. Then she proceeded to tell me their local newspaper featured made-up males, and she was amazed how one of them really looked like Princess Diana, with makeup and hair. Oh how I wanted to show her my flickr pics and tell "Mama, I still look beautiful". But I decided to postpone it. More important things were on agenda today.

Snafu

I finally managed to do it. I lost my handbag with camera, credit card, driving license and phone on Friday night. Got a bit too out of this world.. The phone is the worst, now I've lost virtually all of my contacts. No backups. So if you feel like belonging in my phone please send me your number..

And I'll have a rl test how to live without a phone and credit card.

Miss Drag Queen 08

Not me ;) I'm happy, tired, still having fever, and heading downtown to Milla-tv's birthdy bash.

Just a quick note, I'll update this later with pictures, hopely some video too.

I'm quite happy with the show I put up, Madonna's Fever performance from the Girlie Show-tour and Gwen Stefani's What You Waiting For? from a live TV show performance. 1:1 with costumes and coreographies.

I've read there are three types of drag performances: humorous presentation of feminity - "man in dress", ridiculing of feminity or certain female personas, and respect of feminity. My things is the last one, I paid homage to Madonna & Gwen Stefani. It's the rarest type of drag, plus a dancing drag is real endangered species.

Judging was definitely poo. They were trying to imitate Idols format and were very negative, I didn't get a single positive comment.. There was a professional drag artist & dancer judge but he didn't realize what my shows were based on. The others, two minor tv-celebs were giving mostly some random critic..

Nice experience anyway. Time to move on.

Eve of the Grand Day

Eep!

Tomorrow this time the Miss Drag Queen competition should be over. I've got fab costumes (sans a pair of shoes I have to find tomorrow) and nice coreographies. And +38oC fever. Ha! I'll be performing Madonna's Fever tomorrow, what irony!

Really, wish me luck that I find some inner energy to shine on the stage despite my physical condition. Hope I wont be too nervous to blackout all the coreographies and lyrics..


On a totally different note, there was a high school shooting in Helsinki neighbourhood today. 8 killed, 12 wounded by fellow extremist student. He had posted his intentions yesterday in YouTube video and earlier in blog and forum posts (now taken offline). Finland was supposed to be one of the safest countries in the world. Tomorrow will be national day of mourning. Sad, sad...

Winter time

Europe, or parts of, switched Sunday 4 a.m. to winter time, one hour back. As my phone hadn't changed itself automatically, I set it manually. Obviously it had set itself one more hour back on arriving to Estonia last night, as the customer called me this morning asking where I am, everybody is already waiting for me. I was just planning to have breakfast. Haha. No breakfast today.

Are we perhaps getting a little too dependent on all those small devices that actually don't work as expected?

I'm staying at Domina City. Doesn't deliver what name promises ;) No bath either. Bummer.

PS: Way Out

There's gonna be reporters, tv crews included in the Drag Queen contest, throughout practise runs to finals.

I've been thinking about coming out for long but it still makes me wonder. Basically none of my family and old time friends know. *shivers* Well I will invite at least my sister and couple of friends to watch. Also this blog will get some random, nontraditional audience..

What a way of coming out!?!

Again, wish me luck. I feel like a ski jumper who just let go from top of the slope. I can only try to do my best but I can't stop inevitable. Well I could pull out of the contest but I won't. This is some of the decisions I've made to live a happier life. Have peace inside. This is what I want to do.

Naturally I'm worried if I do it alone /
Who really cares cause it's you're life you never know it might be great /
Take a chance cause you might grow //
Life is short, you're capable //
What You Waiting For? /
(Take a chance you stupid ho) /
Like an echo pedal you're repeating yourself /
You know it all by heart why are you standing in one place? //
What You Waiting For?

It's all in the lyrics.

Gwen Stefani: What You Waiting For?

From A to B

After consultancy gig in Central Europe I flew back home for 24-hour pit stop to do laundry and pack for next week in Baltics. Went to see Sherry Vine, a drag queen from N.Y. (claiming to be famous, but aren't they all?!?) straight from airport. She sang herself the songs, but otherwise the show was quite a bummer.



Tonight I'm missing my friend Becky's wedding in Kings Lynn, the world tranny headquarters. I just couldn't make the sidestep from NL to UK and back with my schedule :( I'm thinking about you babes, may your marriage be happy, long and joyful! <3 <3 <3

I'm preparing for the upcoming Miss Drag Queen contest on November 8th. Yay! I'm going full ahead aiming for the Vegas trip top prize ;) Wish me luck!

I had all my make up with my this week but didn't bother to open the case, I was just trying to catch up on my sleep debt. I've been thinking a lot of my life lately, where I want to lead it, and I think I have clearer path ahead.. Probably will have to take some dramatic decision to be able to move on. No, not relationship matters this time - I hope :D Like living here midst of elks and rabbits. My car's been semi-broken so I just drive it minimum and take a bus. This time when I came back the battery was dead! The last thing I need coming home.. Had to take a taxi and now figure out how to resurrect it next Friday. Life could be easier.. And I'm burning stacks of money for this manor life.


Infernal: Self Control


PS: I haven't drank any alcoholic bewerage for 2 weeks, and will not before the contest. And it feels quite nice. I'm on rehab lol.

Burn Baby Burn

Ok I've been a lousy blogger again. But for reasons, really. I'm exhausted and busy. I'm working day'n'nite, traveling every week. I was going to take part in a certain competition but had to cancel that for aforementioned reasons. Next month my hotel-to-home ratio is 6 to 1... I'm writing this in a train heading to the next city, next hotel. Surprisingly, I'm in a desperate need of a proper holiday.

Then I've finally set up the long-thought project, "Angels Finland". Soon outta beta, Puuteri.org (that's Finnish for powder) is a forum for Finnish speaking transgendered people. Two weeks after setup it's almost 50 users, most of them active, with only word of mouth advertising. That's pretty damn good in a country of 5M people, looks like I was right there was a desperate need for moderated tranny forum. All due respect to the original inspiring UK Angels and the powers behind it Jo & Kim.

Karol's earlier late night inspired post, and especially April's comment put me thinking about my blogging too. Why bother if you're not going to be honest to 100% ? Well.. Sometimes this feels useless and I consider giving up but hopely without sounding posh I tell you: I have an agenda. I want to show potential Finnish trannies an option for shame and scorn. Trannying is about having fun - or can be if one chooses so. It's possible to go out head straight, dance your feet sore, get wasted and even find accepting partners. I tell you a secret: I have no competition in Finland. As far as I know I'm the only tranny blogger here. Anyone know better, tell me immediately!


Will I ever feel peace inside /
Will I some day feel complete /
Will there ever be easy life /
Will I run eternally?

Interlude

While trying to catch up and provide some entertainment, I'll just mention some challenges with my blogging.

1. I'm too busy with my life. How boring, but true.
2. My trannying is more real than virtual. I mostly go out to bars and have fun, and then continue business as usual. It's also that after going a lot out the novelty of reporting wears off.
3. I don't see standard things worth reporting. Not that my idea of standard night out would be boring. And besides, honestly, sometimes I don't remeber what I did.

Take for example, we went with Titania, my love and her brother both Saturday and Sunday out. Sunday got pretty wild even the bar was half deserted. We went to have a pizza afterwards next door. Now I don't remember but I was kindly reminded that I put my knickers (which I took off in the bar already) to pizzeria's palm tree and tried to give the pizza burners my Valerie contact card. I'm not entirely sure if they took it.. (My miniskirt was rather short). I should have a reporter with me who could write funny stories what happens. Volunteers?