I won't be crying

I haven't loved anybody like I loved you
I haven't done everything I can to anybody else but you
Nobody hurt me like you
Did you realize my love died a little with your every blow?
That's why I won't be crying anymore for you


Have a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, love you all.
I'll be soon off Europe, will be back in 2008.


Robbie Williams: Sexed Up

Emotional

Can one feel emotional about an airport? Arriving today at Schiphol I felt. The place summarizes my trans-European freelance life, flying there about every month for the last two years. I started looking at the people coming and going, and felt odd universal love towards all of them. More so because all this might be changing. I've got an job offer for a steady work which presumably means less traveling and independence, but advantages should be considerable too.

Tough day, managed to catch only couple hours sleep last night as I was packing and preparing the house and it's lesser inhabitants for my absence.

I'll be shedding tears tonight as my relationship does seem to end in ruins anyway, no matter how much I've tried... Just how many times is it reasonable to break up a relationship so you can still call it a relationship?


World Hold On


PS: if somebody is in Amsterdam this Friday-Saturday with great plans or at least knows of great fun all contacts are appreciated!!

Appetizers

I'm still very early in process of putting the shows into utube (read: haven't done anything) but here be appetizers! Somebody put online compilation vids that contains snippets of yours truly too:

Miss Drag Queen 08 contest
Part 1 : introduction @ 2.15, Madonna Fever @ 6.15
Part 2 : Gwen Stefani @ 6.20
(Part 3 : Award ceremony)

MDQ afterthoughts

I mostly practised my show on the previous day. Late night I started thinking maybe I'm totally out of scope for the whole contest. Then I started browsing youtube for drag performances, and found this gem:
Drag Idol and then I knew I was doing the right thing, even though the judges will hate me ;) Love me or hate me, indeed. Hello international. Just wish I could dance just as good as her..

And as far as I understand, some UK/US irony is in the game: Lady Sovereign - Love Me Or Hate Me

PS: I should get the MDQ tape this weekend, just as I get my hands on video editing sw I will post my performance on youtube! Promise!

PS2: I swore I won't take part again, but if I did, how about this for a song? It contains a message ;)

BlingSpace

I had a strong decision not ever make myself a MySpace profile because 1) anything that connects with Microsoft is Evil 2) MySpace is so unusable heap of bling and bad web that it's a natural wonder people are able to use it. Why it's so popular, heaven knows.

Today I've spent 2 hours aimlessly looking for people I know from real life or the net and considering adding them as friends. Why? I dunno. Maybe it's a domino effect of a friend inviting me to facebook, then creating Valerie facebook profile, then going back to old MySpace non-profile and thinking what the heck.. But it all seems a bit funny, it just seems to be a global, yet closed ego-boost sandbox where your worth is metered by how many friends you have. But for heavens sake, having Madonna as your "friend"?!? Oh yeah, so you call her for a quick chat when you're bored. It's all a bit ridiculous when it goes past real friends, or some intention of friendship.

Now everybody go and immediately add me as your friend or I will spank you! I feel so worthless with only 2 friends that I will disappear out of sheer shame.

www.myspace.com/missvaleries

By the way, all this Miss Valerie began over a year ago because all other reasonable .com domains were already taken. That I decided to do the Drag Queen contest was a later, funny coinsidence.

Mother

Today I told my mother I took part in Miss Drag Queen contest. Neither of my parents know. Of anything. She laughed from all her heart, and told she just yesterday watched my childhood picure she has in frames, thinking how beautiful I look, so delicate facial features. Then she proceeded to tell me their local newspaper featured made-up males, and she was amazed how one of them really looked like Princess Diana, with makeup and hair. Oh how I wanted to show her my flickr pics and tell "Mama, I still look beautiful". But I decided to postpone it. More important things were on agenda today.

Snafu

I finally managed to do it. I lost my handbag with camera, credit card, driving license and phone on Friday night. Got a bit too out of this world.. The phone is the worst, now I've lost virtually all of my contacts. No backups. So if you feel like belonging in my phone please send me your number..

And I'll have a rl test how to live without a phone and credit card.

Miss Drag Queen 08

Not me ;) I'm happy, tired, still having fever, and heading downtown to Milla-tv's birthdy bash.

Just a quick note, I'll update this later with pictures, hopely some video too.

I'm quite happy with the show I put up, Madonna's Fever performance from the Girlie Show-tour and Gwen Stefani's What You Waiting For? from a live TV show performance. 1:1 with costumes and coreographies.

I've read there are three types of drag performances: humorous presentation of feminity - "man in dress", ridiculing of feminity or certain female personas, and respect of feminity. My things is the last one, I paid homage to Madonna & Gwen Stefani. It's the rarest type of drag, plus a dancing drag is real endangered species.

Judging was definitely poo. They were trying to imitate Idols format and were very negative, I didn't get a single positive comment.. There was a professional drag artist & dancer judge but he didn't realize what my shows were based on. The others, two minor tv-celebs were giving mostly some random critic..

Nice experience anyway. Time to move on.

Eve of the Grand Day

Eep!

Tomorrow this time the Miss Drag Queen competition should be over. I've got fab costumes (sans a pair of shoes I have to find tomorrow) and nice coreographies. And +38oC fever. Ha! I'll be performing Madonna's Fever tomorrow, what irony!

Really, wish me luck that I find some inner energy to shine on the stage despite my physical condition. Hope I wont be too nervous to blackout all the coreographies and lyrics..


On a totally different note, there was a high school shooting in Helsinki neighbourhood today. 8 killed, 12 wounded by fellow extremist student. He had posted his intentions yesterday in YouTube video and earlier in blog and forum posts (now taken offline). Finland was supposed to be one of the safest countries in the world. Tomorrow will be national day of mourning. Sad, sad...

Winter time

Europe, or parts of, switched Sunday 4 a.m. to winter time, one hour back. As my phone hadn't changed itself automatically, I set it manually. Obviously it had set itself one more hour back on arriving to Estonia last night, as the customer called me this morning asking where I am, everybody is already waiting for me. I was just planning to have breakfast. Haha. No breakfast today.

Are we perhaps getting a little too dependent on all those small devices that actually don't work as expected?

I'm staying at Domina City. Doesn't deliver what name promises ;) No bath either. Bummer.

PS: Way Out

There's gonna be reporters, tv crews included in the Drag Queen contest, throughout practise runs to finals.

I've been thinking about coming out for long but it still makes me wonder. Basically none of my family and old time friends know. *shivers* Well I will invite at least my sister and couple of friends to watch. Also this blog will get some random, nontraditional audience..

What a way of coming out!?!

Again, wish me luck. I feel like a ski jumper who just let go from top of the slope. I can only try to do my best but I can't stop inevitable. Well I could pull out of the contest but I won't. This is some of the decisions I've made to live a happier life. Have peace inside. This is what I want to do.

Naturally I'm worried if I do it alone /
Who really cares cause it's you're life you never know it might be great /
Take a chance cause you might grow //
Life is short, you're capable //
What You Waiting For? /
(Take a chance you stupid ho) /
Like an echo pedal you're repeating yourself /
You know it all by heart why are you standing in one place? //
What You Waiting For?

It's all in the lyrics.

Gwen Stefani: What You Waiting For?

From A to B

After consultancy gig in Central Europe I flew back home for 24-hour pit stop to do laundry and pack for next week in Baltics. Went to see Sherry Vine, a drag queen from N.Y. (claiming to be famous, but aren't they all?!?) straight from airport. She sang herself the songs, but otherwise the show was quite a bummer.



Tonight I'm missing my friend Becky's wedding in Kings Lynn, the world tranny headquarters. I just couldn't make the sidestep from NL to UK and back with my schedule :( I'm thinking about you babes, may your marriage be happy, long and joyful! <3 <3 <3

I'm preparing for the upcoming Miss Drag Queen contest on November 8th. Yay! I'm going full ahead aiming for the Vegas trip top prize ;) Wish me luck!

I had all my make up with my this week but didn't bother to open the case, I was just trying to catch up on my sleep debt. I've been thinking a lot of my life lately, where I want to lead it, and I think I have clearer path ahead.. Probably will have to take some dramatic decision to be able to move on. No, not relationship matters this time - I hope :D Like living here midst of elks and rabbits. My car's been semi-broken so I just drive it minimum and take a bus. This time when I came back the battery was dead! The last thing I need coming home.. Had to take a taxi and now figure out how to resurrect it next Friday. Life could be easier.. And I'm burning stacks of money for this manor life.


Infernal: Self Control


PS: I haven't drank any alcoholic bewerage for 2 weeks, and will not before the contest. And it feels quite nice. I'm on rehab lol.

Burn Baby Burn

Ok I've been a lousy blogger again. But for reasons, really. I'm exhausted and busy. I'm working day'n'nite, traveling every week. I was going to take part in a certain competition but had to cancel that for aforementioned reasons. Next month my hotel-to-home ratio is 6 to 1... I'm writing this in a train heading to the next city, next hotel. Surprisingly, I'm in a desperate need of a proper holiday.

Then I've finally set up the long-thought project, "Angels Finland". Soon outta beta, Puuteri.org (that's Finnish for powder) is a forum for Finnish speaking transgendered people. Two weeks after setup it's almost 50 users, most of them active, with only word of mouth advertising. That's pretty damn good in a country of 5M people, looks like I was right there was a desperate need for moderated tranny forum. All due respect to the original inspiring UK Angels and the powers behind it Jo & Kim.

Karol's earlier late night inspired post, and especially April's comment put me thinking about my blogging too. Why bother if you're not going to be honest to 100% ? Well.. Sometimes this feels useless and I consider giving up but hopely without sounding posh I tell you: I have an agenda. I want to show potential Finnish trannies an option for shame and scorn. Trannying is about having fun - or can be if one chooses so. It's possible to go out head straight, dance your feet sore, get wasted and even find accepting partners. I tell you a secret: I have no competition in Finland. As far as I know I'm the only tranny blogger here. Anyone know better, tell me immediately!


Will I ever feel peace inside /
Will I some day feel complete /
Will there ever be easy life /
Will I run eternally?

Interlude

While trying to catch up and provide some entertainment, I'll just mention some challenges with my blogging.

1. I'm too busy with my life. How boring, but true.
2. My trannying is more real than virtual. I mostly go out to bars and have fun, and then continue business as usual. It's also that after going a lot out the novelty of reporting wears off.
3. I don't see standard things worth reporting. Not that my idea of standard night out would be boring. And besides, honestly, sometimes I don't remeber what I did.

Take for example, we went with Titania, my love and her brother both Saturday and Sunday out. Sunday got pretty wild even the bar was half deserted. We went to have a pizza afterwards next door. Now I don't remember but I was kindly reminded that I put my knickers (which I took off in the bar already) to pizzeria's palm tree and tried to give the pizza burners my Valerie contact card. I'm not entirely sure if they took it.. (My miniskirt was rather short). I should have a reporter with me who could write funny stories what happens. Volunteers?

Back on track

But how long? ;)



Ok, so this is called Trendy Discotheque. Nothing is worse than an empty disco where nothing happens so lets do something about it.

Couple weeks ago I was working in Tampere and hooked up finally with Timi Cica, a glam girl with some fabulous pictures in flickr. Tampere is TEH Manchester of Finland, 3rd largest industrial city with.. err.. quite not so high-flying atmosphere. There exist two lgbt clubs, namely Pink and old'n'rusty Mixei. I've never been to either of them, or out girly in Tampere.

So we met in my hotel, had some brief chat with sparkling and headed to Pink. Which, despite it's website information, was closed! Whoah! So we headed to Mixei, and entering the place I could imagine why. There were something like 5 middle-aged gays drinking beer. Err... Not maybe time for a major wasted dance show this time? Had fab night anyways chatting with Timi. Nice deviation from my standard girly night out: 1) I wasn't totally wasted 2) I was talking intelligently in good company 3) I didn't have hangover the morning after.



We agreed we'll try to have some proper party afterwards somewhere, but was nice to meet a new Finnish girl.

I'll try to do this more.

Trick or Truth

Truth #1: I'm a lousy blogger.

Actually that has to do with a larger problem in my life, I haven't got time to do anything properly. Will cut down on activities, promise. More fun, less pain.

What else do you want to know?

It's just the hot summer

I'm not dead you know.



Went out last Saturday. I have bought several different wigs during the Spring and finally decided to try my red hair. Milla Love wanted to trim it and did a fabulous job on it. I looked rather good with it, although I don't like it's very clear division of hair on top.. Will venture more into redheads, promise.

Anyhoo, there was some leather gay club meeting upstairs Dtm and I just couldn't resist playing with fire when I saw that cute and charismatic guy ;-) He was French which is my worst language so couldn't really communicate.

Had a ball with my bestest friends Milla-tv & Mila and naturally my fiance. Downed three bottles of sparkling, a number of vrb's and some shots - don't remember anything of the end of the night but I was reminded of some features the following day. Milla Love is a card-carrying member of the same club plus she had a porcelain long distance call and passed out half naked on floor. Again. No wonder everybody says we are made for each other. Actually we did have a reason for major party, it was exactly six months ago we met and had our first kiss in the same bar.

Funny, I think I'm starting to have a fan club in the place.



On the same lines as Becky, I've been feeling passive about blogging and flickr posting for a long time, trying to force myself keep my presence.. Nah. You know, after I've gathered a certain amount of wonderful friends, experienced things, it's so easy to just feel comfortable in the sandbox I've created and simply enjoy being. But I promise not start gathering moss, there will be things coming ;)

Happily ever after

Guess I should update with the latest news: we're engaged and getting married with Milla.

I could write a novel or two on what has happened during the last six months. We have been through paradise to storms and back many times and still adore each other.

Je t'aime.

Christina Aguilera: Candyman

Tracing continues

Frickin hell! My luggage was delivered to my London Hotel on Tuesday. Tough luck I left on Friday and they were well aware of that. Now Helsinki is waiting for Heathrow to bring them back. I've almost given up anyway.

We are capable of landing in Moon but not keeping track of a bag.

LND (Cry me a river)

Came back from London last night. Heathrow was in state of chaos, I queued two hours for check-in and then security screening. Plane was one and half hours late. Well, luckily. Nobody still has any idea where my baggage is. All make up and most of jewellery gone. Lots of clothes and shoes. Gonna be fun filing the insurance claim.

Went on Wednesday with Karol & Todd to Two2Much club in Soho. As a boy, because it was impossible to get a wig & boobs working all the days in & out. Had lots of fun anyway, Karol is good company and a lovely person. Too much fun, as the following morning at work I was still quite properly drunk. OMG. I'll take some holiday in London dedicated for partying.

Thursday I saw Clarissa for a peaceful after work pint and Italian dinner - in a slightly more upmarket place than she had thought :)

Last two weeks - with all their twists and turns - showed me again how wonderful friends I have accumulated.


* * *

Life is letting me drink so deeply from its cup I have to be very grateful, but sometimes I pay a great price. Ironically, within a week's time I am now saying goodbye to all the three women I have really loved during the last years.. So much love, hopeless crying and trying come to an end.

Nelly Furtado: All good things (come to an end)

I'm off to sea for a while. That's a place where I have peace of mind.